Dear “Nice Guy” (Your name choice; I’m glad irony is not dead on craigslist):
I received your response to my craigslist ad last night (posted below), responding to my ad, in which I sought a “nerdy radical with great race analysis.” I assumed this title would draw people who had an interest in politics and also good grammar and spelling, although the latter two are just a bonus. I recognize that, adorable as my selfie in the ad is, I did announce that I’m plus sized so that guys who aren’t attracted to full-figured women wouldn’t have to waste time responding.
What I did not realize is that there would be a man out there who is such a catch that, while he gave me no evidence that he had anything in common with me, he would let me know he would make out with me on a porch swing in six months if I lost 25 pounds (spelled “loose” rather than “lose”—-almost evoking TD Jakes, which a pastor can appreciate: “fat, thou art loosed!”). Without ever having seen my body. Without knowing that I’ve been working on a healthy living plan for a year with decent results. Without knowing I was a half marathoner before back trauma made me retire my running shoes.
Maybe it’s unfair of me to assume you’re neither smart nor progressive, and you get extra points on the “emotional intelligence” front I mentioned in my ad, since you asked me not to be bothered by the “caustic” tone of your email. Hey! Bonus points also for the big vocabulary word! Also, how did you know every fat girl dreams of making out on a porch swing with a guy who is finally no longer repulsed by her “blubber neck”? You must’ve successfully wooed girls like me before!
However, while the lesser part of me hopes you will die alone and the better part of me prays you grow a soul, I am grateful that your email nudged me to do my salsa workout last night instead of kicking back with a glass of Merlot at the end of a hard day, mostly just to channel my rage at yet another example of patriarchy in a nonviolent way. So thank you at least for that; it was an awesome workout. Sorry you weren’t there to watch–I looked hot, “gross flab” and all.
Because I am a pastor, I won’t quote Cee Lo Green to you, but I’m totally singing it in my head. The uncensored version.
the girl you will never ever get to have sex with
editor’s addition: This post is almost a follow-up to my November post on fat bias; in that post, I mentioned but perhaps did not emphasize sufficiently the role of patriarchy in issues related to assumptions about normal size.
[Nice Guy’s response to my craigslist ad, which prompted the above message:]
Hi, here is a gift for you…. <><> loose weight by reading .. FIT FOR LIFE ! …… (a little book on nutrition, digestion, good foods)
JUST GOOGLE IT loose the gross flab and the tummy roll, and the blubber neck… huge back porch! …….. then get the guys!
you are nice looking ,,,, but you are a “passer-by” .. a passerby is the woman the “right” guys SERIOUSLY pass by, and go on to normal (healthy) weight person…
normal weight people live longer… good luck.. really, don’t mind the “caustic” note here, just help yourself and direct your energies to do what’s good for you!
GOOGLE.. “fit for life” NOW… find out what never to eat! I lost 20 lbs, and stopped all the bad food choices, and educated myself in the first 5 pages… book is 17$
only, trust me on this, ……do this thing to make a more healthy and attractive and man-getting female…………………………………………………………… and you can call me
when you loose 25 lbs, and we can make out on the porch swing… in 6 months! yeah, Nice Guy
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